Stay in touch. Maintain regular contact with your friends and supporters, even when things are going well. Give them a call, send them a note or an e-mail. Always have a plan for your next meeting—whether it is tomorrow or next month. If you have to change it, do so, but always have a plan. If you can't end a visit by making a plan, make a plan to make a plan, such as "I'll call you Saturday to find a time we can get together." If something you want to share comes up in the meantime, you can arrange a get-together by phone or in person, but always have something planned.

You will find that regular, scheduled contact is the best way to assure that your friendship will remain strong. It means making a commitment to the friendship. Many people find it is helpful to plan ahead for times when they know they may feel lonely, like on the weekend, in the evening, or on holidays. Plan get-togethers for these hard times at least several days in advance and, especially around the holidays, even further ahead. It often is difficult to make last-minute plans for time together with friends.

Activity: Call a friend or someone you hope will become a friend and arrange to get together at a time when you know it might be hard for you to be alone.

Home visits. Good friends often spend time in each other's homes. By making these times together special, you can enrich your friendships. You can make your friends feel welcome and comfortable in your home by focusing your full attention on your friends when they are in your home, having a clear, comfortable area for visiting, turning off the television and radio when you are talking or involved in an activity together, and asking other family members to be friendly and welcoming but not too intrusive. Confine pets that may overwhelm or frighten your friends.

Activity: Call and invite a friend or someone you hope will become a friend for a visit in your home.

Losing a friend. Everyone loses a friend from time to time because of things like moving, changes in life focus, relationship difficulties, or even death. This is difficult for everyone. Spend some time "being with" the sadness that you feel—as much time as you feel you need. Take time to cry, if that feels right to you. Then, spend time with other friends and do things that you enjoy. You even may want to begin making some new friends when you feel ready to do that. The sadness from losing a friend may never go away. You will adjust to it and your life will feel good again.

Activity: Talk about the loss of this special person with an understanding friend or someone you know well.

Establishing and Honoring Boundaries

Feelings inside of you (intuition) let you know who you do and don't want to be close to. Sometimes you may want to be close to a person but are confused by questions of boundaries. You may ask yourself questions like "Have I called too much this week?" "Have I stayed too long; should I leave now?" "Should I offer to help her with the children or would she be uncomfortable with that?" It's appropriate to ask yourself such questions. Boundaries may differ from person to person. You may feel comfortable with some people calling you whenever they feel like it, but you may want to put some restriction around calls from other people. You may not want to go to certain kinds of activities with some friends but be happy to go to the same activity with others.

People commonly set limits or boundaries around things like —

• the amount of time spent together and place to get together
  
• the kind and frequency of shared activities
  
• phone call time limits—time of day, frequency, and length
  
• connection with family
  
• amount of physical touch
  
• topics of conversation

In all relationships, you have the right to define your own limits and boundaries so you feel comfortable and safe. Say "no" to anything you don't want. You have the right to ask for what you need, want, and deserve. Expect and insist that others respect your boundaries and, as a good friend, always respect their boundaries.

Activity: Make a list of boundaries that you have or think you would want to have in friendships.

Resolving Problems in Relationships

Because each situation is different, you will have to use your resourcefulness, along with good communication skills and other strategies, to decide what to do and what action to take each time a difficult situation comes up or you become aware of a difference that is keeping your friendship from being a good one. Some things you can do include —

• talk with the other person using "I" statements that describe how you feel in a situation rather than making an assumption about how the other person feels
  
• work with your friend to develop a plan to resolve the situation, including the steps each of you will take and when you will take them (check in with each other often about your progress)
  
• do a reality check with yourself, asking yourself what is really happening, and deciding on solutions that will work for you
  
• be clear with yourself and with your friends about your boundaries, saying "no" when necessary

Activity: List any other ideas you might have to solve problems in relationships