Guidelines for Keeping Your Friendships Strong

Like yourself. If you don't like yourself, don't feel that you have any value, or don't think others will like you, you will have a hard time reaching out to people who may become friends. Work on building your self-esteem by treating yourself well—eating healthy foods, getting plenty of exercise and rest, doing things that you enjoy—and by reminding yourself over and over that you are a very special and worthwhile person.

Activities: Go to the library and get a book to read on building self-esteem. Make a list of at least five things that you do well. Make a sign that says "I am a wonderful person." Hang it in a place where you will see it often—like on your refrigerator door or on the mirror in your bathroom.

Have a variety of interests. Develop interests in different things—it will open opportunities for connection with others and make you more interesting person that others enjoy being with. Some interests include music, art, crafts, gardening, watching or participating in sports activities, or fixing cars.

Activity: Make a list of your interests. Hang it on your refrigerator or in another convenient place. It will act as a reminder when you are having a hard time thinking of things to do.

Enjoy spending time alone. If you don't enjoy spending time alone, you may feel desperate to have people around you all the time. This desperation can drive others away from you. You can learn to enjoy spending time alone by —

• developing interests and hobbies that you can do by yourself
  
• anticipating times you will be spending alone and arranging to do some special things for yourself during those times
  
  
• changing your attitude about time alone so you enjoy spending a reasonable amount of time alone
  
  
• addressing any fears you may have about being alone and doing everything you can to ensure you will be safe, such as locking doors and windows.

Many people have found that pets are a wonderful way to enjoy time alone and to help relieve the loneliness.

Activity: If you are uncomfortable when you are alone, set aside an hour of time when you can be alone. Make a plan of something enjoyable you can do during that time that focuses on you, like painting a picture, playing a musical instrument, journaling, or taking a walk (not watching television, working, or using the computer). Try to do this once a week.

Have plenty of friends. Work on having several friends so that someone is always available when you would like companionship or support. Expect to have many friends because you are worth it. Relying on only one or two people puts too much pressure on everyone. Some people like to have more friends than others, so the number is really up to your own sense of what you need, but a good goal for most people is to have five close friends.

Activity: Make a list of your friends with their phone numbers to keep at a convenient place for easy reference. If you don't feel that you have any friends right now, list your health care professionals and family members. Add friends to your list as you make them.

Take action to make new friends. To make new friends, you have to take action. You can do it as slowly or as quickly as you want, taking small steps or big steps. You can also work on improving your relationships with people already in your life by doing things like inviting them to your home to chat, share a meal, play a game, watch a video, or share some other activity, or by doing a favor for them when they are having a hard time.

Activity: Do something that puts you in contact with others. Go to an event in your community. Join a group.

Communicate openly. To communicate openly with another person, you need to have a feeling of trust with him or her. This develops gradually over time as you come to know the person better and your friendship becomes closer. Tell your friends what you need and want and ask them what they want and need from you. Tell them all important pieces of information, but do not share so much information about minute details that the other person gets bored. Watch the response you are getting from the person or people you are talking to so you can know if this is the right time to be sharing this information or the right subject for the person. You may need to change what you are saying and when you are saying it according to the response you observe. Avoid sharing details of traumatic events that might upset the other person.

Depending on what you are talking about, you may want to talk in a place that is private and where you won't be interrupted, that is congenial and physically comfortable, and that is quiet with few distractions.

Activity: Think about something special that is going on in your life. Tell a friend or someone you know and like about it. Ask them to tell you about something special that is going on in their life.

Listen and share equally. Listen closely to what the other person is saying. Let the other person know you are paying close attention through eye contact, body language and occasional brief comments like, "I knew you could do it," "That sounds like fun," or "I bet you wish it had happened some other way." Avoid thinking about what your response is going to be while the person is talking. If a person is sharing something intense and personal, give them your full attention. Don't share an "I can top that" story.

Avoid giving others advice unless they ask for it. Just listening is fine! In some cases, you can summarize what you hear them saying or ask clarifying questions, but it is never necessary to "fix the problem" for them. People often need to share the details of hard times or difficult experiences over and over again, until they have "gotten it out of their system" or figured out a way to take some action or solve the problem. You can be a really good friend by listening to the same story again and again, reassuring that it is OK to do this. Never make fun of what the other person thinks or feels. Avoid judging or criticizing the other person.

Sometimes it may be important to be realistic about how much time you can spend listening and let the other person know how much time you have. Be sure that you also have about equal time to share whatever it is you would like to share. Don't be embarrassed by emotions that come up for you or the other person while you are sharing.

Take equal responsibility for the friendship. Both people in a friendship need to take responsibility for the friendship. For instance, you should be making plans for shared activities some of the time and your friend should be making these plans some of the time. If you are taking all of the responsibility for the friendship, talk to your friend about it and figure out a way to make the friendship more equal.

Activity: Contact someone who has recently invited you to an activity or done something special for you and return the favor. If you can't think of anyone who has invited you anywhere or done something special for you, do something nice for someone who is nice to you—like complimenting a store clerk who is bagging your groceries.

Keep personal information confidential. As you feel more and more comfortable with the other person, you will find that you talk more and share more personal information. Have a mutual understanding that anything personal the two of you discuss is absolutely confidential and that you will not share personal information about each other with other people.

Activity: Write, "I will never share any personal information that another person shares with me." Read it over and over to remind yourself.

Have a good time. Spend most of your time with your friends doing fun, interesting activities, together. Sometimes friendships get "bogged down" if all you ever do is talk about each others struggles. Go to a movie, walk on the beach, play ball, watch a fun video, work on an art project, cook a meal-whatever would be fun for both of you. Take turns suggesting and initiating these activities.

Activity: Call a friend, or someone you know who you hope will become a friend, and ask them to share a fun activity with you—like going to a movie, watching a video, or making supper together.

>> Go to Establishing and Honoring Boundaries